A Broken Home

September has been the month were everything we owned decided to break. Of course there was the broken mirror and the flat tire on the van. Then Deacon took a wedding picture of me and Chris and threw it on the ground, causing it to break. I looked at the picture of us smiling, now covered in a piece of shattered glass, and I said, "If I took a picture of this, I would call it 'A Broken Marriage.'" Chris said, "Please don't even joke about that. That breaks me heart." Well, it is the month to break things, so I would have gone ahead and taken that picture and posted it on my blog if my digital camera hadn't decided to break. Never fear, nothing fixes life's dilemma like chocolate, right? So when Parker asked for a chocolate milkshake, I pulled out the blender poured the ice cream and milk in and started pushing buttons. In theory this should create a milkshake, but in practice my blender decided to blow up.

But September is almost over, and we've also started to run out of things to break, so I thought we were in for a reprieve. Yesterday I loaded the kids into the van (after finding a new pair of shoes for McKay, since her old sandals broke.), and headed out to run errands. All was well until I got a call from Parker's school. "Mrs. Davis? Parker got hit in the face with a soccer ball at recess. His glasses broke in half." Of course they did.

One new pair of glasses later, Parker asked me if he could do some crazy little boy stunt. "No," I told him, "You will break your leg, and you are only allowed to break one thing per month." Chris who was listening, said, "Don't you think you should lengthen out his quota? A new month starts on Thursday." Dang it.

Deacon's Food Storage

In our house things disappear. This is because our house contains something that makes things go missing. That something is Deacon. I won't regale you with tales of all the things I have pulled out of the garbage and toilet. (Which, speaking of, currently won't flush, because something is stuck down it. I am fearful to find out what.)

Anyway, if something goes permanently missing, Deacon probably tossed it. As I was cleaning up the living room today, I noticed something lodged inside a speaker. I cautiously put my hand in and pulled out...a waffle. Hmm. When was the last time we had waffles? As we've been out of syrup for a week, it's been a while. Something else was in there. So I pulled out...another waffle. Also a small green ball and a rock. Dang. Nothing of value. I tossed the waffles in the garbage and continued on to cleaning the kitchen.

As I was wiping down the table, into the kitchen plowed Deacon happily munching on something. Hey, I hadn't given him a snack. What could he be eating? Not the...waffle? Yes. Yuck.

How to Get Out of Sacrament Meeting

During Sacrament meeting today, Parker asked me, "Can I go to the bathroom?"
"No. You already went. You're only allowed one potty break per sacrament meeting."
"But what if I pee my pants?"
"As you just went to the bathroom twenty minutes ago, I doubt that's going to happen."
"But--"
"No."
Sensing I wasn't going to budge on this one, he decided to change strategies. "I need to leave sacrament meeting for a different reason."
"What?"
"I just need some alone time."

My Mirror is Fixed and Other Mindless Tales

So as mentioned in an earlier post, I needed to fix the mirror on my van. Unfortunately, my mechanic could not fix it, because it needed a piece that he couldn't get, blah, blah, blah. So Chris came up with an ingenious way to fix it that involved washers, sawing off nails, etc. I'm not sure all the details, because while he was talking to me part of my brain was processing words like "washers" and the other part of my brain was thinking, "Where could I get a taco at this time of night?"

He got it put back together, but he needed something to keep it from shifting around. "I have it!" he exclaimed, "Bubblegum!" So I raided Parker's gumball machine, and we stuck a wad of it to the mirror. "Now, if my elementary school desks were any indication, this should harden up nicely," he explained. "Hey, are you going to blog about how I fixed your mirror?" "Let's see if it lasts 24 hours," I said.

So the next day, I got in the car to head to Albertsons. My mirror appeared to be working perfectly, so I backed up, and--I kid you not--whacked my mirror on that exact same evil wheelbarrow! I accused Chris of moving the wheelbarrow closer to the van, but he swears it's just me. Anyway, the chewing gum held, and my mirror did not fall off.

I made it to Albertsons, where I had just a few things to get, about six dollars worth. After she rang up my groceries, the cashier began scanning my coupons. (I know I'm blogging about grocery shopping again. Last time. Promise.) "O.k.," she said, "Your total is...wait a second I actually owe you $ .12. Hmm....I'm not supposed to give refunds at my register. I'm not sure what to do here." "Don't worry, you can keep the change," I told her, leaving with my free groceries. I'm not sure if I would call that an all-time cheapness high or low, but it did seem like a record-setting moment.

Wedding

Our neighbors across the street invited us to their wedding. Yes, they've been living together the entire time we've lived here. Try explaining that to a three year old.
McKay: "MaKenna's mom and dad aren't married?"
Me: "Ummm...."
McKay: "But you have to be married to get a baby in your tummy."
Me: "YES, yes you do. NEVER forget that."

Deacon was a wiggle worm through the wedding ceremony, but I managed to keep him relatively quiet. He did ask for "apple" a few times. The kid was hungry. And I may have blown a few of my bride-shaped bottle of bubbles during the vows to keep him entertained. Just a few. So when the minister announced it was time to kiss the bride, I was relieved we had made it through without much noise. However, as the guests looked on happily at the kissing bride and groom, the quiet romantic moment was interrupted by Parker's loud exclamation--"Disgusting!"

Driving Disasters

I should have realized today would be a bad driving day, when as I backed out of my driveway, my neighbor called, "You have a basketball stuck under your van."

Yes, I did. Thank you Deacon. I don't know why it didn't just roll away, but it was stuck. I had to do a series of driving forward and backward to finally get it free. I don't want to know what the neighbors thought. But I was on my way until I glanced in my mirror.

I accidentally took out my mirror on Wednesday, when I backed out of the garage and whacked into the wheelbarrow hanging on the wall. I was going to go get the mirror fixed this morning, so I just stuck it back in as best I could and started driving. Well, when I glanced into the mirror, I noticed it was pointing down, and therefore doing me no good, so I decided I would just push it up a little bit.

This was when my mirror fell off onto Meridian road. I had driven all of approximately one block. So I pulled over, turned on my flashers, and collected my mirror from the road, all without dying. This time I threw my mirror onto the passenger seat, deciding to get this fixed as soon as I filled the van up with gas.

I had been driving for a good two minutes when I heard an unusual sound out my window. My window was unrolled, because the air conditioner that I have now fixed twice (Good-bye $1200) is broken again. What now? I think. I'm beginning to think my van is falling to pieces, or possibly pieces are falling off of it again. Then the sound changes into a rhythmic thump, thump, and I have a good guess what's wrong. I pull into the Fred Meyer parking lot, and my suspicion is confirmed--I have a flat tire.

Our secondhand van did not come with a spare tire, and it never occurred to me to get one until this moment. I called Chris, who was in a meeting, and he told me he would help me take care of it after his meeting.

So for a good hour and a half, the kids and I roamed the aisles of Fred Meyer. I now know every single toy that Fred Meyer's carries, and which ones McKay would like for her birthday. (All the girl ones.) I also now own three cans of tuna, a bag of fun-size Snickers bars, and a pair of little girl Sunday shoes.

So my knight finally rode up in his glistening, unbroken, white car to rescue me. I drove home in said car, while he dealt with tow trucks, new tires, etc. I was so happy to be driving a functioning, air-conditioned vehicle. Though the occasional dinging sound was unnerving. (Note to self: Cars will periodically ding at you if you drive with the trunk open.) I was glad to be home with my bad car luck behind me. I let Deacon out of the car, and he instantly walked right into the open car door and whacked his head.

I have to pick Parker up from school in an hour and a half. I'm thinking we better walk.

Poo

Chris told me about the following interaction he had with Parker last night, and it cracked me up.

Parker: "Why do I always have to clean up Chewie's poo? Why can't mom do it?"
Chris: "Mom is busy taking care of the little kids."
Parker: "I could take care of them."
Chris: "Would you like to change Deacon's diaper?"
Parker: "Well..."
Chris: "Let me put it this way. You can either clean up poo with a shovel or with your hand."
Parker points his finger at Chris and says, "You've got a point."

Best Friends and Animal Cruelty

This is McKay with her bestest friend in the whole wide world, Gracie. Those girls are two peas in a pod. Gracie got to play with McKay this morning, and we have been counting down the days, hours, and minutes until she got here.

They spent most of the morning "loving" (a.k.a. torturing) the kitties. Sometimes I feel that God will hold me accountable for bringing those poor, defenseless animals into our home. One of these times was yesterday.

"McKay, why are the kitties wet?"

"I was playing doctor. I was the doctor and they were the patients."

"So why are they wet?"

"First I had to make them open up and say 'Ahhh."

"And...."

"Then they needed a shot. I didn't have a shot so I had to pour their shot on them."

And now you understand why all our previous cats have run away from our house.