Thems Fightin' Words

With the slam of the front door, I hear Parker huffing up the stairs.

"What's wrong?" I ask my agitated son.

"Kaleb and I aren't friends anymore."

"Because?"

"Because he said some mean things, so I said some mean things, so he said some mean things, so I said some mean things."

"It's not acceptable to say mean things to someone."

"But he---"

"Even if he says something mean first. Do you understand?"

I get a mumbled non-response.

"So what mean things did you say to Kaleb?" I ask, wondering if this is going to involve me marching Parker down the street to apologize.

"I said that the BSU football players suck."

Hmm. "What else?"

Parker pauses, anticipating what my response might be. I guess he decides I can handle it, so his mouth opens and unleashes the ultimate insult.

"I said he played ball like a girl."

Lost in Translation

"Mom," Deacon asked me, "how do you wash whips?"

"Like a cowboy whip?"

"No--whips."

"A whip like this?" I ask, pretending to be Indiana Jones.

"No. How do you wash whips?"

I'm stuck. I cannot figure out what kind of a whip Deacon is asking me about, but I figure you must wash all whips pretty much the same.

"I guess you would get a bucket with soapy water--"

"No! Not whips, WHIPS! How do you wash WHIPS?!?"

Recognition dawns on me. "Oh, lips. You want to know how to wash lips?"

"Yes. Whips."

"With a washcloth."

"Oh. How do you wash awms?"

Crazy Mother

"Parker," McKay told her brother, "Livy is so lucky! At her house her mom makes sandwiches on white bread and asks you if you want the crusts cut off."

"Lucky!"

Apparently McKay knows good mom behavior when she sees it. Yesterday I was lying in bed reading a book, when McKay came and cuddled up next to me.

"What is your book about?" she asked.

"It's about being a mom," I told her.

"Does that mean your going to stop being crazy and start being a mom?"