Cultured

I keep trying to jam culture down my children's throat. And much like what happens when you jam food down unwilling throats, my children keep regurgitating it back on me.

Yesterday I forced my three children to attend Juan Siddi Flamenco Dance Theatre. I know what your thinking. Yes, I did think that it would be a good idea.

Me: "Parker, could you put on something nicer than a holey t-shirt with equally holey jeans?"

Parker: "What?!?"

Thirty minutes later, we have reached a compromise. McKay is wearing a dress with no less than 17 layers of ruffles. Parker is wearing a collared shirt. Deacon is wearing a Buzz Lightyear t-shirt.

We find our seats. Parker begins to mutter threats.

"This better beat the Nutcracker. That was the worst experience of my life."

I took the kids to see the Nutcracker at Christmas. McKay was enthralled. Deacon was bored. And Parker felt like he was being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment.

Parker: "I brought my book to read, but it's too dark. Do you have a flashlight?"

Me: "No. Watch the performance."

Parker: "Can I go out to the van to read?"

Me: "No."

Parker: "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Me: "No."

Parker: "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Me: "No."

Parker: "I'll be fast."

Me: "No."

Parker: "I'm going to pee my pants."

Me: "No."

Parker: "This is no fair."

After the Nutcracker, we walk past the bathroom.

Me: "Parker, there's the bathroom. We'll wait for you."

Parker: "I don't really have to go."

So with Parker muttering in his seat, the lights dim, and the dancers take the stage. After their first number, Deacon asks, "Is it time to go home now?"

Me: "No."

Deacon: "Awww."

The next number finishes, and Deacon asks, "Can I go home now?"

This pattern continues until the announcer states, "We have a treat for you with our next number."

Deacon (excitedly): "Did you hear that, mom? He's going to give us a treat!"

You can imagine the tears that ensued when I explained there would be no food, just dancing. Finally, the performance is over. Deacon gets super excited at the news.

He bounces out of his seat and announces, "That movie was awesome!"