Flamingos and Stuff Like That

I should have recognized it as an omen when Deacon peed on my foot.

Yesterday I was at the park with the kids. We had come a few minutes early to our homeschool P.E. co-op. My kids were happily playing on the playground, when Deacon announced he had an urgent need to use the restroom. It was so urgent that when I pulled his undies down in the bathroom, he didn't wait to get into position. He simply let loose. He let loose all over my foot. Consequently I found myself balancing on one foot like a flamingo, while trying to wash my other foot off in the sink, all in a bathroom that didn't contain paper towels.

After an hour and a half of soccer, kickball, and playground time, my kids were hot and sweaty and ready to go home. I would have liked to obliged but I had a little problem.

My tire was flat.

And...

My husband was out of town.

My husband was out of cell phone range.

I didn't know where the spare tire was.

I didn't know where the jack was.

I had never changed a tire.

My cell phone battery was dying.

So, I called my mom, so she could tell me what to do. (This is what moms are for.) She suggested I call Les Schwab Tires. I did. They told me they would be right over to help me out. (Apparently right over meant 85 minutes later.)

"Ah, here's your problem," the helpful tire guy said. (Let's call him Jeremy, since that is actually his name.) "Do you see this piece of metal stuck in your tire?"

Yes, I did.

"I'll inflate your tire with air and then follow you back to the tire center to get it repaired."

"How long is this going to take?"

"Do you have urgent plans?"

"Yeah, it's half-price Happy Meal night."

After two hours of playing in the park for P.E., and then an extra hour and a half of playing waiting for the tire guy, Deacon had had it. He crashed in the car on the ten minute drive to the tire center. I carried him into Les Schwab and held him while I waited for my tire to be fixed. The kid was out cold. Which is how I found myself trying to hold a sleeping three and half year old in my arms while digging through my purse for my debit card. Then I remembered the flamingo. I pulled one of my feet up to my knee and balanced Deacon on my "leg shelf" while balancing myself on one foot while finding my hidden debit card.

As the cycle began, so it ended. I began the afternoon in flamingo position. I ended it in flamingo position. And somewhere in the middle I learned something. I learned that this better not be a repeating cycle.

Garbage Giggles

Tonight while putting Parker to bed, he tells me, "Mom, I need to tell you a hilarious story about Deacon."

"O.k."

"This morning I heard the garbage truck coming. I remembered how much I loved the garbage truck when I was a little kid, so I got Deacon and had him look out the window with me. I said, 'Look, Deacon, that man's taking our garbage away.' And guess what he did, mom?"

"What?"

"He started to cry!" Parker giggles. "Then he crawled up into my bed and was laying there kind of sad. So I said, 'What are you doing, Deacon?' And he said, 'I'm going to lay on your bed until that man brings our garbage back.'"

At this point Parker is laughing hysterically. "I told him, 'Deacon, we will never get our garbage back. It's gone forever.' And then he cries even harder!"

By now Parker is laughing so uncontrollably that I can't help laughing along, despite the fact that his story is really not funny at all. When something really tickles Parker, he has an infectious giggle that makes everyone around him start laughing, too.

Parker notices I'm laughing and says, "You're laughing now, mom, but it won't be so funny when he grows up to be a hoarder."

On the Menu Tonight...

Do you remember that Stove Top Stuffing commercial from the early nineties where the two boys are deciding whose house to eat at based on who's serving stuffing? I remembering watching that as a kid thinking, No one would actually do that. But guess what? I was wrong. I have proof that it happens--just not over stuffing.

"Hey, mom, can I eat at Caleb's?" Parker asks yesterday.

"Why don't you just eat here?"

"Caleb's having mashed potatoes at his house. What are we having?"

"Hot dogs, fruit salad, and baked beans."

"Aaah, I love hot dogs! But I also love mashed potatoes." He turns to Caleb, "What else are you eating?"

"Cube steak and corn on the cob."

Parker seems torn, "I just don't know what to pick."

Caleb pipes up, "Cube steak is actually kind of disgusting."

This seems to cement the deal. "You're right. Let's eat here tonight. Come on, Caleb, let's go ask your mom if you can eat with us."

Yes! My dinner never beats Caleb's mom's dinner.

Job Description

McKay: "Mom, how do we get money?"

Me: "Dad goes to work and makes it for us."

McKay: "Does he actually make money at work or does someone pay him for doing his job?"

Me: "Someone pays him."

Deacon: "I have a job!"

Me: "What's your job?"

Deacon: "Playing and seeing with my eyeballs."