Festivus: For the Rest of Us

At this special time of year, our family gathered together to share in a cherished family tradition--Festivus.

If you do not know what Festivus is, you perhaps also do not remember when Thursday nights were "Must See TV." You may not have memories of sitting in Mr. Meyer's math class having a heated discussion about how lame the final episode of Seinfeld was. You may not one day stand accountable for the hundreds of hours you have spent in your life watching Seinfeld reruns. But if Stott blood flows through your veins, then not only do you know the meaning of Festivus, you celebrate.

Our celebration includes traditional Soup Nazi soup. We also try for other Seinfeld themed foods. Once I found a loaf of marble rye bread. Some years we have had a Festivus pole, watched Seinfeld, or played Seinfeld trivia. This year we decided to do some Feats of Strength.

First, since we were trying for Feats of Strength, we decided to test the strength of our feet. Clay won the "how many marbles can you pick up with your toes in thirty seconds" contest.

And though he didn't win, I had to say I was amazed and impressed that my father could stand on his head for almost thirty seconds.

Peter might have won the headstand contest, but I think my hubby won the "best picture of person looking like their head is about to explode" contest.

Deacon won the "person who has not changed out of his Buzz Lightyear jammies since he got them on Christmas Eve" contest. Yes, there were many tears when I would not let him wear them to church today.

Jace won the "I will humor my sister by allowing her to take goofy pictures of me pretending to be Uncle Ricco from Napoleon Dynamite" contest.

Let me close with some final thoughts from the Festivus originators.

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "All right, George. It's time for the Festivus Feats of Strength!"

George Costanza: "No! No! Turn it off! No Feats of Strength! I hate Festivus!"

Frank Costanza: "We had some good times."

Yes we did.

How to Get Your Husband to Come Home in the Middle of the Day

1. Put two youngest children in the bathtub.

2. Ignore children.

3. Hear laughter coming from bathroom. Feel happy that your children are happy.

4. Listen to Parker tell you that McKay and Deacon are dumping water out of the tub.

5. Find your children happily dumping water out of tub. Find two inches of standing water on bathroom floor.

6. Reprimand children.

7. Get towels to soak up water.

8. Go downstairs to get laundry basket to haul soaking towels in.

9. Notice giant puddle of water on kitchen floor.

10. Wonder if rain water is leaking from roof.

11. Remember kitchen is on first floor.

12. Remember flooded bathroom is above kitchen.

13. Call husband.

14. Listen to husband swear. (Inwardly giggle as husband NEVER swears.)

15. Reprimand children again on advice of husband.

16. Get phone call from husband. Husband wants to come home and assess the damage for himself.

17. Continue soaking up water.

18. Listen to husband decide that the water came out through canister light and not drywall, causing only minor damage.

19. Feel happy.

20. Hear husband tell children they are not allowed to break anything else until after Christmas.

21. Giggle when husband tells Deacon he is not allowed to be a crazy monkey anymore, and Deacon responds, "I can still be a good boy monkey."

22. Tell husband how fun it was to see him in the middle of the day.

23. Respect husband's opinion that the fun was not mutual.

Merry Christmas

Dear Friends and Family,

In the true spirit of Christmas, I am informing you that none of you are getting Christmas cards from me this year.

I have my reasons. My Christmas cards in the past have consisted of a family newsletter with wallet-sized pictures of my children shoved in. This year I realize that if you have been following my blog, you know everything about our family. Probably more than you wanted to know, as I believe about a third of my blog has been devoted to Deacon's toileting issues. I also have no cute pictures to send out, as the pictures of my kids hanging in my home are the same ones that were hanging here last Christmas. I know, my children will be scarred for life without smiling photographic evidence of 2010. I've been meaning to get around to it.

Then there is the issue of gathering addresses. My computer crashed this year, and we were able to save everything except my address book. Which means I would be making a lot of phone calls and emails to try and gather all of your addresses. Which, while that is loads of fun, also takes up a bit of time, and I am naturally lazy.

I have decided that the Christmas traditions I want to continue are the ones that are fun to do together as a family, and not the ones that make me swear at my children. If you've ever had piles of cards and pictures and envelopes spread across the floor, and then got up to answer the phone, you know what I mean.

I realize that the real reason we send out cards is to tell the people we care about how much we love them. I love you all! And instead of spending money on stamps and cards this year to show you, I am spending the money to help others. A donation has been made in your name to the American Red Cross to purchase blankets for disaster victims.

The next time a hurricane or earthquake occurs and you see pictures of victims wrapped in Red Cross blankets, pretend you're reading our Christmas card.

We love you all! Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Davis Family

Dinner at the Davises

Our family is the blending of two great families--the Davis and the Stott. Davises are talkers (particularly my Davis). Stotts love to share a good story. Bring those genetics together, and you have a dinner table of nonstop chatter. Chris decided to implement conversational turn taking at the table in hopes of restoring sanity.

Chris: "Deacon, you have the first turn. What did you do today?"

Deacon: "I fell down, and a laser broke off my arm!"

Chris: "What did you do, Kodie?"

Me: "I played in the snow with the kids. Deacon wanted someone to be the bad guy, so he could throw snowballs at him. I had to be the bad guy. Unfortunately, Deacon couldn't make snowballs himself, so that was my job, too. I handed him a snowball. He said, 'Thank you, Bad Guy.' Then he threw the snowball at me, and the process repeated itself."

Chris: "How was your day, McKay?"

McKay: "First I went to dance class. Then--"

Parker: "Did you know Henry the VIII beheaded two of his wives?"

Chris: "Not your turn!"

Parker: "But it's so disgusting!"

McKay: "Then I went to the library."

Parker: "Deacon's sucking on the salt shaker."

McKay: "Then we went to Costco. Then I played in the snow."

Chris: "My turn. I had a lot of meetings. And each meeting gave me more work."

Deacon laughs hysterically.

Chris: "I'm glad someone finds that funny."

Chris: "Parker?"

Parker: "First, I woke up. And then I went downstairs. Then mom asked me if I wanted a bagel or grapefruit for breakfast, but I wanted a cookie. Then mom said to go upstairs and get in the shower."

Chris: "This is going to take all night."

Me: "Just let him go."

Parker (drones on for a few more minutes): "....then I volunteered at the Red Cross. Then I ate pizza for lunch..."

Chris: "Deacon's salting his neck."

I looked over, and yes, indeed, Deacon had the salt shaker and was generously salting his neck.

Me: "Are you salting your neck, Deacon?"

Deacon laughs and begins salting his ear.

Parker: "...and then I finished my snow fort, came inside, and ate dinner. The end."