Human Napkin

After breakfast a few mornings ago, Deacon contemplated his hands. They were covered in egg yolk, bacon grease, and honey. He stared at them wondering how to get the gunk off them. Then light seemed to dawn in his eyes. He leaned over and wiped them on my pajama pants.

"That's better," he said.

Yes, better....

If I hadn't figured out I was a human napkin by them, I definitely realized it that afternoon when the kids were running around the backyard. I passed out popsicles and sat down to watch my kids. My reverie was interrupted by Deacon, who was apparently done with his popsicle. He placed the dripping, melting treat in my lap and ran off to play.

Parker the Science Guy

This afternoon Parker came downstairs dressed in a white lab coat and a hard hat. "I'm going to make carbon dioxide," he announced.

He lugged a gallon of vinegar over to the kitchen counter. "Stand back, mom, this is going to be dangerous."

I could sense where this was going. "No explosions in the kitchen!" (Do we really need to make that a family rule?)

Foiled, Parker mixed some water and vinegar together in a cup. "Mom, what chemical did I create?"

"You created a cleaning chemical."

"Really?" he exclaimed, excited over his scientific discovery.

"Yeah, you use it to clean glass. Go wash the sliding glass doors."

"McKay," Parker yelled, "Come quick! I made a cleaning chemical, and you can actually clean with it!"

McKay comes excitedly running to the glass doors. Within seconds she has a rag in hand and is cleaning with Parker.

"When you're done with that you can clean the mirror in the bathroom."

"Yes!"

I love science.

Fair Trade

On Monday our family had a family home evening lesson about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis. As part of the lesson our children traded in their personal DVD players in their bedrooms for baseball gloves and balls. The point being they were going to trade an unhealthy habit of watching too much TV for a better habit of playing outdoors. Monday and Tuesday's bedtimes went off without a hitch. The kids seemed fine going to bed without their TV pacifiers. But tonight when I handed Parker a nonfiction book about the Revolutionary War, a flashlight and told him to read in bed, he seemed less than enthusiastic about the idea.

"Mom, instead of trading my DVD player for a baseball glove, I want to trade something else."

I looked at him skeptically, "What?"

"This."

He held out one solitary green army man.

Good try, Parker.

Walmart Rerun

I have blogged about horrible Walmart shopping experiences before. But you know, it's summer, time to recycle old material. Here's how I spent my afternoon.

McKay needed a birthday party gift, and she kept reminding me of this need all morning long. It was a real emergency--she told me I was "killing her life" by not taking her to the store. So around noon we finally made it to Walmart.

No trip to Walmart is complete without running into Ducky. Ducky is a cart boy at Walmart. I went to high school with him. He proposed to me in front of my entire government class. For those Emmettite readers who read my blog and are wondering what Ducky is doing twelve years later, he is still living at home with his parents and hanging out with Booger and Buck. Who could forget Buck? Sure he might have gotten expelled for stabbing a kid with sheet metal in shop class, but he did promise to warn me the day he blew up the school so I could stay home. He's got his faults, but you know, a nice guy overall.

Anyway, past Ducky Walmart interactions have included him teaching me a secret handshake, pulling me over to a computer to show me a cool website about Bigfoot sightings in Idaho, scaring me to death when he banged on my my window as I was backing out to admonish me to vote for McCain, trying to pay back a dime he borrowed in high school, and constantly checking up on my marital status. This time he just wanted to find out if I was going to the Cherry Festival. Pretty boring stuff. So I entered Walmart with Ducky tagging along begging me to have the cashier page him when I checked out, so he could help me load my groceries in the van. Yeah, that's going to happen.

Highlights of a horrible two hour trip:

*McKay having a meltdown that she was going to throw up unless she ate food that very second.

*McKay sitting on Walmart floor eating goldfish crackers and refusing to budge.

*McKay knocking over a shelf of pickles and miraculously not breaking any.

*McKay and Deacon creating indoor "snow" with box of Kleenex.

*Deacon taking his shoes off and tossing them on ground.

*Deacon tossing assorted groceries to the ground.

*Deacon attempting to toss self to the ground.

*Deacon getting foot caught in cart.

*Deacon running barefoot throughout store.

*Deacon's mother saying small swear word under her breath.

*Deacon's mother singing "Patience is a virtue."

*Deacon's mother vowing never to leave home again.