Deacon Makes Himself a Snack

Deacon's Recipe for 10:30 a.m. Snack

1. Find bag of chocolate chips that McKay left on kitchen table. Dump on table.

2. Locate bottle of maple syrup left on table after breakfast. Pour syrup on top of chocolate chips.

3. Enjoy.

Monday, Monday

I expect my Mondays to go a certain way. I get up, get dressed in my grubbiest clothes, and spend the entire day doing the family's laundry and cleaning the house top to bottom. I do not schedule appointments. I do not leave the house. I am a house cleaning hermit.

This works well for me, because then I ignore housework and laundry for the rest of the week. By ignore I mean I will pick up clutter and do the dishes, but that is it. No scrubbing for me. My family has learned to live with this system.

Parker: "Mom, I have no clean pants to wear to school."

Me: "It's Monday. You'll have clean pants when you get home."

Parker: "What will I wear today?"

Me: "Your Sunday pants."

Parker: "I'll be too embarrassed."

Me: "Then wear shorts."

Parker: "I'm cold."

Me: "You'll be fine."

McKay: "Deacon dumped an entire box of crackers on the living room floor."

Me: "Pick up the big pieces. I'll vacuum on Monday."

Chris: "Is this mud in the bathroom sink?"

Me: "Yep. McKay played in the mud, and then washed her feet in the sink."

Chris: "Were you planning on cleaning the mud out of the sink?"

Me: "Yes, I am. On Monday."

I love my system. But today my system failed me. It's nine o'clock at night. The house is a disaster. The dirty laundry is piled in front of the washing machine. All because of eighth commandment breakers.

Things were going along swimmingly this morning. I had my first load of laundry in the washing machine by 6:45 a.m. I had dressed myself in the capris that make my butt look big--perfect laundry day attire. The kids were dressed, fed. Parker's lunch was packed, and he was off to school. By 9:30 I had thrown my third load of laundry in the washing machine, and was off for a quick trip to the grocery store to cash in on my Albertson's doublers. Everything I wanted was in stock and thirty minutes later I was checking out. At this point I was kind of mentally back-patting myself. I mean, really, I was doing awesome. Three loads of laundry, groceries, and dressed children by a little after ten--that never happens. But then I went to pay, and my debit card refused to work.

I patiently explained to the cashier that I had plenty of money in my bank account, obviously her machine was broken. After several, and when I say several, I mean like twenty attempts to use my debit card, I gave up and pulled out my emergency-only credit card to pay for my groceries. I hurried home, pulled up my bank account online, and was shocked to see I only had ten dollars in it. I started scanning the transaction. Ahh, there was the problem. The $750 I spent in China this morning. What?!? Yep, I am a victim of identity theft.

By the way if you are looking for something fun to do this weekend, I would not suggest trying to resolve identity theft issues. It's not enjoyable, but it is time-consuming. And it can be done in ugly laundry day clothes with crazy laundry day hair. I definitely looked the part of a woman with only $10 to her name.

The good news: all the money should be restored to my account, and the thief was not able to access my savings account. The bad news: Monday laundry/housecleaning day was not spent doing laundry and housecleaning.

If I ever get a hold of the people responsible for draining my account, I am going to drag them back from China, lock them in my house, and make them do all my laundry. We'll see if they still want my identity after a Monday at the Davis house.

When I Grow Up I Want To....

Last night our family was watching "Dirty Jobs" together. Parker was particularly disgusted by the job of sewer repairman. "I am not going to do that for my job when I grow up. Why would anyone want to do that?"

Chris, sensing a teaching moment, explained, "Those people have to take those kind of jobs because they didn't go to college. This is why it's very important for you to get a good education."

Parker, looked at his clueless father, and said, "Dad, if I don't go to college, I'm just going to work at Walmart."

Grow Your Own Children

To grow your own children simply combine dirt, sun, and water.

Deacon: "Mom, I'm getting dirtier and dirtier."

Then sprinkling water on himself: "Could you please make me grow?"

Why I am Refusing to Potty-Train my Child

(Please note that the stained piece of toilet paper in picture is soaking up the puddle of pee located in front of kiddie potty.)

Star Wars

Parker: "Did you know that Tuesday was Star Wars day?"

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Parker: "May the Fourth be with you."

Please note that the above Jedi robe was sewn by yours truly. I discovered how to sew like a simpleton.

How a Normal Person Sews: 1. Take measurements. 2. Cut out pattern. 3. Pin pattern to material. 4. Cut out fabric. 5. Sew seams. 6. Try on garment to test for fit. 7. Iron. 8. Hem.

How a Simpleton Sews: 1. Look at pictures of Jedi robes. 2. Lay fabric out on kitchen table. Randomly cut out pieces of fabric that look "arm-like" and "hoody-esque." 3. Sew seams. 4. Realize that you've sewn seams inside out. 5. Rather than unpick seam, simply cut it off and try again. 6. Try robe on self. 7. Give husband annoyed look for commenting on the fact that the robe fits you, yet is supposed to be for a seven year old. 8. Try robe on Parker. 9. Make Parker stand still while you walk around him cutting six inches of fabric off bottom. 10. Decide you are too lazy to walk downstairs to iron up hem. 11. Sew up hem. 12. Get Parker out of bed to try on robe and take his picture. 13. Tell Parker he cannot sleep in robe. 14. Force robe off Parker next morning and tell him he cannot wear it to school.