Flamingos and Stuff Like That

I should have recognized it as an omen when Deacon peed on my foot.

Yesterday I was at the park with the kids. We had come a few minutes early to our homeschool P.E. co-op. My kids were happily playing on the playground, when Deacon announced he had an urgent need to use the restroom. It was so urgent that when I pulled his undies down in the bathroom, he didn't wait to get into position. He simply let loose. He let loose all over my foot. Consequently I found myself balancing on one foot like a flamingo, while trying to wash my other foot off in the sink, all in a bathroom that didn't contain paper towels.

After an hour and a half of soccer, kickball, and playground time, my kids were hot and sweaty and ready to go home. I would have liked to obliged but I had a little problem.

My tire was flat.

And...

My husband was out of town.

My husband was out of cell phone range.

I didn't know where the spare tire was.

I didn't know where the jack was.

I had never changed a tire.

My cell phone battery was dying.

So, I called my mom, so she could tell me what to do. (This is what moms are for.) She suggested I call Les Schwab Tires. I did. They told me they would be right over to help me out. (Apparently right over meant 85 minutes later.)

"Ah, here's your problem," the helpful tire guy said. (Let's call him Jeremy, since that is actually his name.) "Do you see this piece of metal stuck in your tire?"

Yes, I did.

"I'll inflate your tire with air and then follow you back to the tire center to get it repaired."

"How long is this going to take?"

"Do you have urgent plans?"

"Yeah, it's half-price Happy Meal night."

After two hours of playing in the park for P.E., and then an extra hour and a half of playing waiting for the tire guy, Deacon had had it. He crashed in the car on the ten minute drive to the tire center. I carried him into Les Schwab and held him while I waited for my tire to be fixed. The kid was out cold. Which is how I found myself trying to hold a sleeping three and half year old in my arms while digging through my purse for my debit card. Then I remembered the flamingo. I pulled one of my feet up to my knee and balanced Deacon on my "leg shelf" while balancing myself on one foot while finding my hidden debit card.

As the cycle began, so it ended. I began the afternoon in flamingo position. I ended it in flamingo position. And somewhere in the middle I learned something. I learned that this better not be a repeating cycle.

Garbage Giggles

Tonight while putting Parker to bed, he tells me, "Mom, I need to tell you a hilarious story about Deacon."

"O.k."

"This morning I heard the garbage truck coming. I remembered how much I loved the garbage truck when I was a little kid, so I got Deacon and had him look out the window with me. I said, 'Look, Deacon, that man's taking our garbage away.' And guess what he did, mom?"

"What?"

"He started to cry!" Parker giggles. "Then he crawled up into my bed and was laying there kind of sad. So I said, 'What are you doing, Deacon?' And he said, 'I'm going to lay on your bed until that man brings our garbage back.'"

At this point Parker is laughing hysterically. "I told him, 'Deacon, we will never get our garbage back. It's gone forever.' And then he cries even harder!"

By now Parker is laughing so uncontrollably that I can't help laughing along, despite the fact that his story is really not funny at all. When something really tickles Parker, he has an infectious giggle that makes everyone around him start laughing, too.

Parker notices I'm laughing and says, "You're laughing now, mom, but it won't be so funny when he grows up to be a hoarder."

On the Menu Tonight...

Do you remember that Stove Top Stuffing commercial from the early nineties where the two boys are deciding whose house to eat at based on who's serving stuffing? I remembering watching that as a kid thinking, No one would actually do that. But guess what? I was wrong. I have proof that it happens--just not over stuffing.

"Hey, mom, can I eat at Caleb's?" Parker asks yesterday.

"Why don't you just eat here?"

"Caleb's having mashed potatoes at his house. What are we having?"

"Hot dogs, fruit salad, and baked beans."

"Aaah, I love hot dogs! But I also love mashed potatoes." He turns to Caleb, "What else are you eating?"

"Cube steak and corn on the cob."

Parker seems torn, "I just don't know what to pick."

Caleb pipes up, "Cube steak is actually kind of disgusting."

This seems to cement the deal. "You're right. Let's eat here tonight. Come on, Caleb, let's go ask your mom if you can eat with us."

Yes! My dinner never beats Caleb's mom's dinner.

Job Description

McKay: "Mom, how do we get money?"

Me: "Dad goes to work and makes it for us."

McKay: "Does he actually make money at work or does someone pay him for doing his job?"

Me: "Someone pays him."

Deacon: "I have a job!"

Me: "What's your job?"

Deacon: "Playing and seeing with my eyeballs."

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

It was the perfect storm really. Everything was aligning--vomit, hubby out of town, and lack of a mop. All these factors played into Thursday's night activities.

"Children," I announced at dinner, "tonight we are going to play Pippi Longstocking."

You see for a week our family has been cycling through which family member gets to lay on the couch with a Sprite and a garbage can by their side, watching countless hours of television, and moaning about tummy aches. As a mother of young children, this is always an exciting week, which allows me to play a game known as "Dodge the Vomit." However, the downside is, if you lose at this game repeatedly, you also lose your sanity. I find it is better not to play and allow my husband to take my place. But here was the kicker--hubby was out of town on business.

So after a week of losing Dodge the Vomit, and after a week of being quarantined to my home, I was looking for ways to spice up my life and also clean my kitchen floor. My cheapy grocery store mop died after only three years, and I keep forgetting to purchase a new one. This means I either have to mop on my hands or knees or avoid mopping my floor altogether. This choice, being a no-brainer, meant my floor was encrusted in squashed food messes.

"How are we going to play Pippi Longstocking?" McKay asked sweetly.

"We are going to mop the floor like Pippi!"

"Yeah!" McKay declared. "Hurry everyone and eat faster!"

"Do you have enough scrub brushes to tie to everyone's feet?" Parker asked.

"I'll see what I can find."

Makenna, our neighbor, was eating dinner with us. "Wow, I haven't been over for awhile. I forgot what your house was like."

After dinner I gathered sponges and scrub brushes, poured some soapy water on the floor, and let the kids have at it.

All was going well, so I soon left the kids to their soapy fun, and went to take care of Deacon, who was taking his turn on the couch that day. After that I remembered an email I needed to take care of, and then I remembered I needed to renew my library books online, which reminded me that I would actually like to sit on the couch and read for awhile. Which I did. While ignoring the children. Even while I heard the sink turn on and more water being dumped on the floor. I just kept reading and ignoring. Even after Makenna asked, "How are we supposed to get all this water and soap up anyway?" I just said, "Use some towels," and went right on ignoring. I'm pretty good at ignoring. It may be the most special talent I possess, but I hate to brag when others just aren't as good at it as I am.

About two hours later, long after the kids had tired of playing Pippi Longstocking, I tucked my kiddos in bed, and checked on the kitchen.

Wow, the floor looks really clean, I thought. Then I went to bed.

The next morning when I went downstairs my laminate flooring was warped and starting to peel up a little--very clean, but very unattractive.

This is what I have learned from the experience. 1. Do not attempt to clean flooring after losing at Dodge the Vomit. 2. Write "mop" on grocery list. 3. Pippi Longstocking is actually a fictional character. This is why she could clean her floor by tying scrub brushes to her feet and skating acrossed it. This is also why she kept a horse on the patio, outsmarted policemen, and had a cannibal king for a father. I am not fictional. I am real. And now my kitchen floor really bugs me.

Mealtime Manners

Deacon: "Mom, get me my water NOW!"

Me: "Excuse me. Did you mean to say, 'Mother, that I love, please get me a drink of water'?"

Deacon: "Mother, that I love, please get me a drink of water."

I place a glass of water at Deacon's place.

Deacon: "Because my clothes are getting out of style here."

Shopping with Parker

Me: "I'm not sure if this watch is my style."

Parker: "Mom, you have no style. Can we get out of here?"